bumfuckidaho | TEST DRIVE MEME, FEBRUARY 2017.

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TEST DRIVE MEME, FEBRUARY 2017.

TEST DRIVE MEME

There was an accident. That's basically the only thing you know for certain. Maybe a car wreck - metal and broken glass everywhere, and the sirens and the screaming. Or maybe there was an explosion. Maybe your bike hit a rock and you careened uncontrollably off a mountain path. You can't can't quite make out the details, not who was at fault or why. Try as you might, the chaos is all you can remember.

It's also the last thing you remember from before you wake up here.

When you open your eyes, the accident is gone. Instead, you're in a hospital bed – the nursing staff greets you with a cheerful smile.

Welcome to Wayward Pines, they tell you. You'll make a full recovery here.

option one WELCOME TO WAYWARD PINES

The hospital staff had seemed very friendly, but ultimately unhelpful when it came to answering your questions, insisting you shouldn't worry about such things, and that it was smarter to just rest until you'd fully recovered.

That was some time ago. You've since managed to leave the hospital – either via escape, or simply by waiting patiently and filling out paperwork until they finally agreed to release you. Now you've found yourself in the small but hearty town of Wayward Pines, Idaho. It's a charming little place, and the people there are all friendly enough, more than willing to greet you on the street, or give you directions if you need them.

Unless you're asking for directions out of town, of course.

Some will simply smile and give you a hearty pat on the shoulder and ask why you'd ever want to do a thing like that? Others will get quiet for a moment, and direct you to the nearest sign posted near the doorway of every building.

Don't bother taking the road, either. Whether you walk or get your hands on a vehicle, you won't get anywhere. The road simply takes you away from town for a short while before looping around and bringing you right back in.

There's no use questioning things, and it seems pretty useless to try to leave. So really, why not stay a while? Everyone's convinced that you'll find something to love in Wayward Pines.

(For the purposes of this test drive, you're welcome to handwave the existence of basically any local business or activity.)

option two INTO THE WOODS

You've just heard a scream from the woods.

I mean, it could've been an animal. There's bound to be some kind of wildlife amongst the trees, right? But then again, it did sound awfully... human.

Though all of the locals nearby conceal a flinch at the sound, they'll assure you it's nothing, if you ask them. Why, you're probably just hearing things! (But with an anxious undertone of stop asking questions.) If you're curious, though, and brave enough to go see, they won't make any move to stop you from going into the wooded area surrounding the town.

The trees are tall, and their branches are thick enough to block out a significant amount of sunlight from breaking through the canopy, leaving the forest floor a little dimmer and cooler than the streets of town.

Whatever the source of the scream was, you won't be able to find it out here. An experienced hunter might notice some signs of a struggle, and a few faint boot prints, but they don't really seem to lead anywhere in particular.

What you will find, if you walk far enough, is a fence. A big one - at least 30 feet tall, made of metal and concrete. It goes on quite a ways in either direction as well; follow the wall far enough, and you'll see that it connects with the steep, sheer cliffs that surround the rest of Wayward Pines, effectively boxing the town in.

In actuality, you'll probably feel it before you see it. A full 500 yards from the wall, when it's hardly a shadowy smudge through the trees, you start to feel a little bit tired, a little bit weak. Trouble is, the closer you get, the weaker you feel - like the wall itself is sapping the strength out of you, and the closer you get, the worse it feels. Any powers you may have had grow weaker in kind as you make your way to the fence, but even ordinary humans will find their strength sapping away. By the time you're close enough to read the signs and to feel the crackle of electricity radiating from the thick wires criss-crossing the wall's metal surface, you're too weak to stand.

Do you crawl closer still and risk electrocution, or do you crawl away and assess the situation once you're far enough from the fence to be able to stand?

option three IT'S A COUPLE OF FLAKES

There's nothing particularly insidious about the inch of snow that settles over the town one night while everyone sleeps. Kids run outside to have snowball fights and make snow angels, neighbors wave across to you as they shovel their driveway, the local coffee shop runs a 2 for 1 deal on hot cocoa. Snow crunches under your feet at your walk down the street and the cold bite in the air is revitalizing.

The next morning, there's a few more inches of snow. And then a few more the day after that. By the end of the week the snow is a good three feet deep and the entire experience has lost its novelty. Wayward Pines only has a single street plow to its name, and even when the streets are clear, surprise patches of black ice make travel downright dangerous if you aren't prepared. No special sale on hot cocoa can possibly be worth trudging through knee high snow drifts (even your most consciences neighbors can't keep up on the shoveling anymore).

And the power starts to fail in some of the houses. Sure, the repairman promises to stop by as soon as he can, but you're hardly to first person to call him today and he won't be able to pencil you in until tomorrow at the earliest, and what are you going to do about the cold until then? Maybe your neighbor's heat is still on, or maybe that trek to the coffee shop is looking more appealing by the second.

Either way it's time to layer your clothes, watch your step, and hope that Spring to comes early. And try to ignore that kid double dog daring you to lick a flagpole, it just won't end well.

option four ON THE NETWORK

Though it's not as high-tech as you might be used to (or hell, maybe you're ren faire and it's centuries beyond anything you've seen), but Wayward Pines does in fact have a network to accommodate its citizens.

Go ahead, post a network post! Just note that the network, at current, is audio-only and can only be accessed from the telephones in each character's home.

( a few notes )

Welcome to our second test drive here in The Pines! Just one important thing to note this time:

Upon arrival in Wayward Pines, characters find themselves struggling to remember entirely who they were or where they came from. Memories return progressively over the next two weeks. You're welcome to play with this mechanic in any of these prompts, but it's definitely not mandatory! For more details on this temporary memory loss, see our FAQ.

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[ As sam talks to himself, a tiny blonde girl drifts by the table in one of the diner uniforms, a stack of dishes and cups on her plate. she's short, not even five feet tall, and is probably breaking the rules by not wearing shoes inside, but. well, maybe the red patterns on her feet make the skin more like shoes. like a hobbit.

but then sam says the magic words "president of the united states" and her eyes light up. without a word, ibaraki scrambles for the door to the kitchens, ignoring anyone else trying to get her attention or staring at her and her gross feet. ]

[ IN THROUGH THE DINER DOOR BURSTS A LARGE MAN WITH THE HEAD OF A PURE WHITE LION. ]

It is I, Thomas Alva Edison, President-King OF THE UNITED STATES. [ bahahahaha! roar!!!! hahaha!!! immediately the lion man (mumford and sons intensifies in the background, but in aminor key because this is NOT a little lion man) slides into the seat opposite sam, ignoring any protest. ] Hello, my minion. You seem distressed. Perhaps paying your taxes will ease your pain.

[ as a note, ibaraki (who is indeed the one pretending to be this large lion man) knows absolutely nothing about how america or government works. ]

[ N......................o.....................

The coffee that was in his hand is now in his lap. It's burning his crotchal region. ]

I'm dead. I'm dead, and this is Hell. My mother was right.

Ah, your elixir... That could have been your taxes...

[ giant hallucination beefcat man looks genuinely disappointed, and not because sam might have injured himself. ]

[ Sam takes up his napkin, closes his eyes, and hopes that the giant hallucination beefcat man will be gone when he opens them, because if not--]

Okay. First of all. President-King? Not a thing. Not to mention the fact that Thomas Edison was never a president, just a mid-tier inventor with brutally clever business practices, not to mention the fact that he wasn't ten feet tall and a giant lion!

[ He's on his feet now. BECAUSE THIS IS STUPID AND HE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

...Except the part where he's literally standing just. LOOK THAT'S NOT THE POINT. ] If I'm going to lose my mind does it have to be like this!

[ there's a moment of silence, where nothing happens but the stupid giant light bulbs on beefcat lion man's shoulders blink on and off a few times, before he also stands up! and roars! ]

... This is copyright infringement! Treason! You dare doubt your President-King!? After he invented... the thing...! Cee-Dee currant! Yes! That! [ yes. that's absolutely what it's called. ] Archer put you up to this, didn't he? Tell that fool Tessa [ she means tesla ] that I will turn his hair into a rug should he--!

[ and... okay this is taking more energy than she anticipated. she cuts herself off right then and there, and... just like that, with a tired sigh, the giant lionbuffbeefdude sighs, sits back down without finishing his threat. his skin shifts, and the fur changes color until the tiny blonde girl, horns and waitress uniform and all, is sitting across from him, arms folded in front of her and scowling in displeasure. she's not sulking, but she's absolutely sulking. ]

That usually works on humans.

Edited 2017-03-19 02:46 (UTC)

[ Now he's looming over her and feels ridiculous.

Why did he not feel ridiculous yelling at a giant lion man thing with lights on its shoulders.

Sam drops back into his seat, and manages to sit in a patch of coffee that got on the chair and not on his pants. ]

Patent infringement not copyright infringement and no, it wasn't, President-Kings do not exist, I believe you're looking for "direct current," I have no idea who Archer is, and it's Tesla.

[ He studies the horns contemplatively for a moment. ] So I was right about the whole Hell thing.

[ she scoffs at that, an unladylike snort, and stretches her arms out in front of her, claws dragging at the table before she folds them in front of her again, flopping down once more. ]

Hell? If this were your human idea of Hell, an oni would be free to eat as many of you foolish humans as she wanted. I would not have to pretend to be the Caster Edison to get things and I could have candy whenever I so desired.

[ a pause, and she stares up at him, still dwarfed even though they're both sitting down. ] Unless you desire death, human? Ending your pathetic life is within my power still.

No. Thank you. I'm pretty sure I like my pathetic life, but the offer is appreciated.

[ Now it's her uniform that gets the appraisal. ] I don't suppose you'd get me another cup of coffee?

What will you give me in return, president minion? [ you're never going to get a real name at this rate. ] If you have nothing to trade, you must give me an elixir as well, for all the work you have put me through.

[ IBARAKI IT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA TO BE THE LIONBEEFMAN ]

Mmmmmoney? [ He's not sure what else there would be. ] I mean, that's what people exchange for goods and services last time I checked -- wait a minute, what did I do?

[ she stands to her full 4'10" of height, barely putting her above sam's eye level sitting down, and slams her tiny gremlin hands on the table, offended. ]

You did not pay your human taxes! Transformation takes mana I do not have, human. And because I cannot eat you, you must give me one of your human elixirs. You may use your "mmmmmmmmmmoney" to pay for it.

[ and if you don't stop her, she's putting two coffees and also a piece of pie on your bill and then going to eat them in front of you, sam. ]

I pay my human taxes! [ Did he actually just say that. ]

I pay taxes. I didn't ask you to do whatever you did, I don't know what mana is--

[Waitafuckingminute. Sam leans back in his chair. ] I'm sorry, eat me?

[ that sounds suspiciously like an offer. ]

Ug... [ a frown. ] Do not tempt me. I am not supposed to eat humans right now. Do not think it means I am incapable of it! Should I decide to, I could use your skull as a cup to drink your blood after I drained it from your lifeless corpse, using the hole that I made when I tore your tiny human heart out!

[ THIS ISNT FAIR... she mad. ] You owe me an elixir! And a treat, human!!

Edited 2017-03-21 19:54 (UTC)

[ HE'S JUST GONNA LEAN BACK A LITTLE MORE THERE, OKEEDOKEY? OKEEDOKEY. ]

If I buy you pie will you stop talking like that.

[ stars in her eyes!!!! ]

Yes. [ she points at him sharply. ] Stay! I will bring you your elixir, and mine, and my sweets.

[ BRB????? YES. brb. please dont try to escape the diner, sam, because she will know. one hundred and twenty three seconds later, she is back, with a platter containing: two cups of coffee, three different slices of pie, and... a pile of bacon.

some of the bacon goes to sam, as does one piece of pie, but... still. she sits down across from him again and begins to pour the almost the entire sugar container into her coffee. ]

Thank me!

[ for the food i bought for you with your own money. ]

Edited (tfw ur line breaks arent where you want them and it looks bad and you hate it) 2017-03-21 22:12 (UTC)

Thank you.

[ He's come to the conclusion that there is nothing to do but let this happen. Either he will wake up and it will all be a dream, or he will not wake up and... There's some other result at the end of that he's not sure of at the moment. ]

D'you need that much sugar?

Edited (tfw you use the same icon twice in a row and it gives you the twitches ) 2017-03-22 01:32 (UTC)

If I do not eat humans, how will I sustain myself? I cannot subsist on nothing.

[ >:3 she's going to slam back this entire coffee at once, even though the second half is mostly coffee flavored sugar sludge, and not actually liquid. ]

It is good, and sake does not keep you awake like this!

[ she weighs like 110 pounds. there's no way she should be drinking alcohol, or even that much coffee that fast. she's going to vibrate into the stratosphere in about ten minutes, i bet. ]

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